By B. Bad. Photography by Deun Ivory.
Ever since I was a young girl, I remember navigating two voices. My inner voice, and the one I used to speak verbally. I remember often carrying them out in dialogue, utilizing puppets or barbies to personify their existence. Looking back on it though, I see it as my higher self, leading me though intuition, to navigate my course.
Of course when you get into some settings, you are made to feel weird or crazy for even the idea of speaking to yourself. My family would jokingly say things like, “it’s okay to say something to yourself, as long as you don’t respond,” and I remember feeling foolish for carrying on full dialogues.
Around middle school, I could no longer hear this voice, or have that dialogue. From then until my early twenties, I remember having this disconnect between me and my physical body. Meaning, I knew who I was, and that I lived in that body, but it’d feel like the two were detached.
Those were the times, where I honestly couldn’t be told a thing, because “I knew it all,” and in my mind I had the life to prove it. I had the job I thought I needed, a fancy apartment, and a perspective long term bae. These things all made me feel like I had defeated the checklist of life, and nearly flipped the game board, in record time.
In moments of reflection, I’d come to the conclusion that I was being deceived, but I’d stifle it, because it didn’t match my perception, of what I wanted my reality to be. I had followed what I had been told, and thought that I was owed happiness, and success in return. Then prince charming decided to come out of that stolen costume, which challenged everything that I knew about me, and my existence up until that point. Not because I had wrapped up so much of myself into him, but because he was like the perfect metaphor for the way I structured my life. Stunning on the outside, but lacking depth and purpose on the inside.
While processing this, I slipped into a darkness. A no movement darkness, a please don’t call, don’t open the blinds, don’t shower, did I eat today, darkness. Mainly mentally beating my own ass, for not seeing such a thing coming, but also mentally exhausted from the soul searching.
Here, I questioned everything, and realized that I didn’t know anything. That inner voice that once guided me, pointed me into the direction of myself; forcing me to redefine myself to myself, for, myself. I needed to understand who I truly was, beyond the goals and possessions; to understand my purpose, and why I am here on this earth. To discover what I believe in, and why? To understand all of the why’s, because you don’t quite know anything until you understand why. Why you respond the way that you do, why you may have hardened, or even softened in certain ways. It allowed me the space to confront myself with love and intention.
I also remember feeling both comforted and assured in that voice, for seeing what I couldn’t see, and for warning me. I was broken down to nothing, to be shown that what I had planned for me was not only not on mission, but it wasn’t enough. This also lead me to think about the purpose in our pain. I believe that nothing happens by chance. If you let it, you can learn something from anything. I looked for the lessons in my hurt, to make sense of it. To understand what it meant, and why it meant that.
I had always been the person who could offer the best advice, but for myself, I was unable to see my circumstances as clearly. Speaking to myself, gave me the objectivity to see the full view. To see multiple perspectives, to understand why people behave the way that they do, and the role I played in it. Which often times was no role at all, because they projected internalized issues onto me. Which gave me the ability to forgive myself, giving me closure, and allowing for me to move on to the next battle.
I was also able to fill the gaps of where I felt disconnected from my physical body, by personifying myself with a voice. It was humanizing, to dethrone myself from this superhuman level of expectation. It also gave me the ability to see myself the way I would a girlfriend, which blossomed a very organic self to self relationship. Understanding myself, gave me the ability to both love and build that relationship. It was like rekindling the connection, of what that voice means to me now, and who it has grown me to be. Who I’ve become, because of it.
In what I perceived as losing myself, I found my mission. Which was birthed in me, through the inception of this journey. Evolving me, so that I could bring this same transformation, to all Black women. This, is my mission, and I have literally changed the entire trajectory of my life, to be in alignment with it.
B. Bad is an unapologetic, self-actualization content creator. Through her own awakening, birthed her mission, to act as an inner transformation catalyst, for other Black women. Helping them to both actualize, and build better relationships with themselves. She does this, through the themed unapologetic monthly series, via her blog, podcast, and newsletter. She also has a video series dedicated to her creative entrepreneurial journey. You can keep up with her content at bbadblog.com, and you can follow her on Instagram at @bbadpr.