By Courtney Cobbs
The first time I heard Rihanna's "Sex With Me" I kept it on repeat for a good 6-8 times. I couldn't help but think of how amazing my next sexual experience was going to be and how great I was going to make the other person feel. I ran my hands over my body and imagined they were hers. I packed a bowl, lit up, and continued to let the song take over me. I would cum (intentional spelling) to do this ritual for the next few weeks: Put on fun music, smoke, dance, masturbate and write.
I'm a fan of astrology and I've been conscious to align some of my own personal healing work with astrological transits. Right now, the planet of Saturn is in my relationship sector. I have tried to be as conscious in my relationships as possible.
"Why do I like hanging out with this person?
"How does this person make me feel?"
"Do I respect my boundaries when I'm with this person?"
"Do I respect their boundaries?"
"Do they respect my boundaries?"
"Am I talking myself into being sexually attracted to this person?"
"Why am I so insecure around this person?" and so on and so forth. The mental games could leave me exhausted, so thank goddess for meditation and masturbation. My astrological birth chart indicates the life of a person who can cum to find healing and transformation in sex.
One of my favorite authors India Ame'ye writes, "The information is encoded in the orgasm." The act of masturbating is revolutionary to me these days considering the number of years I ran away from having an orgasm. I was not okay with losing control. I got off on seeing my girlfriends cum, but knew I wasn't ready for that level of in-to-me-I-see/intimacy with my partner. I couldn't let them all the way in. I'd think, "They'll see how unworthy I am inside; how fucked up I am."
I recently discussed with a friend the fact that we're both survivors of sexual trauma and have issues being present during sex. We could both relate to being the sexual aggressor because it meant we didn't have to be vulnerable. We asked, "What does it mean when you can only have sex when you're high?" For me, it means I'm quite terrified to “lose control” with another person and it feels much safer to "loosen up" beforehand. I also haven't fully discovered what I like sexually, and it can be hard for me to feel like I deserve to ask for what I want. If you've gone through trauma you know how easy it is to tell yourself that on some level you deserved it or that your needs don't matter. I'm here to say you didn't deserve it and your needs do matter.
Reclaiming my power from the person who raped me has been a very intentional process since I started self-healing through energy work. One of the ways I reclaim my power is by reclaiming my pleasure. For years sex filled me with anxiety. I escaped it by focusing on my partners so I wouldn't have to experience flashbacks or feel less than because I couldn't handle my partner’s fingers going inside me. I now work with a variety of tools to help me reclaim pleasure.
1. I use the book You Look Like Something Blooming by India Ame'Ye as my pleasure workbook. India shares her experience reclaiming pleasure and orgasm, recommendations to help you become more orgasmic and develop a relationship with your body, and a delightfully playful and powerful perspective on life. I can't recommend the book enough.
2. Yoni Eggs. I use yoni eggs to help me cum harder, in and outside the bedroom. I use yoni eggs to send love to my inner child who longed for someone to tell her she wasn't dirty or damaged because of what happened to her. I use yoni eggs to wipe away insecurity and shame as I orgasm. I use yoni eggs to develop a better relationship with my body, my womb, my pussy and my soul.
3. Nature. I like to connect with flowers. Flowers just bloom. They don't seem to have any worries that someone will think they are ugly, not good enough, etc. I strive to put myself in the flower mindset and just allow myself to bloom without being concerned about what other people think.
4. Valuing non-physical forms of intimacy. In looking back on past relationships I noticed I valued sex to the detriment of other aspects of the relationship. I chalk most of this up to internalizing the pop culture message that prioritizes sexual intimacy between couples but not so much other aspects. I'm now able to be present in my relationships and reflect on whether or not the things I want in the relationship are what I truly want or if there's something else at play.
5. My rabbit vibrator. Duh.
Right now if I had to describe what "Sex With Me" is like I'd have to quote India Ame'Ye, "During my period of celibacy from other humans, I realized that celibacy can indeed be sexual. Because of my living, I am basically having sex all day long; I am aroused and excited by food, wind, people, conversation, laughter, trees, animals, and even by the capacity to be clumsy and trip often. It's taking the orgasm out of my pussy and bringing it into my heart, where I am primed for penetration at any moment. Life experiences provide the harness for penetration and the electrical surges are directed into my goals, dreams, and travels."
Yeah. That's where I'm at right now. I'm coming out of the smoke-filled haze and looking forward to reconnecting with myself, my life, my body, my mind, my spirit, and my pussy in new ways. May this inspire you to do something similar.
Courtney Cobbs contributes to Black Girl in Om because she wholeheartedly believes in BGIO's mission. She has appreciated BGIO's quality and heart-felt content and she felt a calling to contribute to that. She loves sharing her experiences with other women of color in the hopes of contributing to more wellness and joy in the lives of women of color. Courtney resides in Chicago, IL, where she loves running a hot bath filled with epsom salt, lavender oil, and lavender flowers as one of her self-care practices. She brings in whatever crystals she needs and puts on a playlist to cry to, meditate to, or sing along to. Learn more about Courtney in her #BGIOBeauties feature. You may find Courtney on Instagram (PeacefromPieces).