By Taylor Saunders
At some point Darkness came back to play and instead of saying, “Hello, hope you are well. Here, sit here. Have some tea, I made vegan gluten-free snickerdoodles. Let’s talk about how you have been. Let’s look at all the crimes I have committed against self,” I saw Darkness and screamed. I ran into the basement, hid in a corner and listened to Darkness banging at my door. There, destabilizing every atom of the house I loved so much, ripping the fabric of my space-time. And then, I couldn’t breath again. My body froze in fear of feeling, and every night I felt Darkness in my room. I told Darkness to leave and I kept the light on.
I walked to work at 4:30 a.m. with Darkness at my back, claws digging out my stomach from behind. I felt drained. I only wanted sleep and rest...and to get lost in trip hop instrumentals, Tibetan healing bowls and 528 hz vibrations. My spirit left my body. I started to feel everything but my pain, took on the pain of the planet instead. Left my human experience. I was formless.
I observed my body get taken over by shadow. White clouds appeared on my nails, hair started to lose life, dark shadows under my eyes and rashes on my arms. Golden skin so lifeless. I heard my tongue speak black magic, casting curses on the ones I claimed to love.
I asked goddess, why is this happening to me? This isn't right. I don't accept this. It is not real. So, I left my body and stayed away. I wasn’t sad. Didn’t feel. Didn’t talk about feelings. I only came into form by dance and song through FKA Twig’s LP1.
After months of listening to virtual instruments give voice to emotions that otherwise would have been stuck in my throat, in tears I asked Darkness why she came back. What have I done wrong now? What do I have to see?
“I come bearing gifts always,” she said. “Here are the things you love, that you have hidden: the joy of seeing a moonflower bloom, the stories that run from his throat sticky with honey, the moving song of the human body in space.”
“Here are the things you have avoided, that you have hated and ignored, to fit in with the world around you. Here are the ways you have betrayed your body and resisted physicality. Here are your aspects that you haven’t loved enough. Here is a laundry list. Love them. And when you love them, no one can hurt you because you will have already loved all the selves they try to hurt. The jabs turn into kisses, the blood they draw is sweet.
“You become warrior II, Virabhadrasana, standing firm from your center with your arms balanced and heart open, asking your higher self, what’s next? What vibratory energetic code do I have to tackle next to get a step closer to my source, my beloved?
“And you feel it all. You feel all your energy in motion in your physical form and you do not have fear, because you know that soon, there will be nothing left but love. Your abundance of love makes you the fiercest warrior, because then you remember you are battling all the different aspects of self with amnesia. All those who have forgotten they are love,” Darkness said, “Your strength is in your knowing.”
Taylor Saunders radiates in many expressions: writing, cooking, photography, visual art, body movement and awareness, quantum physics and consciousness. She is building two brands, taystbud and greenwithin, reminding society of the connection between consciousness and food, empowering the dreams of others, and remembering love.